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    It could be a coworker or family member, but we all know at least one: The person who irritates and frustrates us in countless small ways but always just within the bounds of socially or professionally acceptable behavior.

    This is one of the hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior. Others mentioned in In My House, a personal skills curriculum published by Responsible Decisions in Denver, Colo., include being indirect or manipulative about trying to get others to do something, hiding the truth or not dealing with it so that others’ feelings or reputations get hurt, and encouraging or creating an atmosphere of distrust and secrecy so that group members feel uncomfortable about where they stand. In truth, we all engage in some of these behaviors at times just to be socially accepted or to get along as best we can. However, some people regularly communicate and interact with others using these behaviors.

    Psychologists define passive aggressive behavior as a deliberate and indirect way of expressing personal anger. It’s other-directed and often involves manipulative schemes that aim at "getting even" or punishing someone.

    If you must deal with colleagues or family members who behave in this way, consider the following suggestions from Karen Webb, ACSW, a therapist in private practice in Grosse Pointe, Mich.

• Be aware. Learn to recognize these behaviors in oneself and others and how to counteract them.

• Don't snap at the bait. Understand that the goal of the passive-aggressive person's consistent, irritating behaviors is to get the targeted person to blow up, to behave irrationally. The passive-aggressive personality rarely crosses the line from being frustrating and irritating to being openly angry. So when others react in anger, the passive-aggressive person can say in a manner dripping with innocence, "Gosh! Delia is nutty/overly emotional/unable to handle the work...." To the casual observer, it does appear that the person who blew up was overreacting, and the person behaving in a passive-aggressive style was a "victim."

• Calmly confront the real issue. Instead of losing it, state the fact of the present situation ("You didn't turn your homework in on  time again.") and the consequences of the behavior ("It's obvious you made a choice to fail. I'm sorry you've chosen this course of action."). This sort of scenario may have to be repeated several times before the passive-aggressive person understands fully that the target refuses to be manipulated into anger.

    Passive-aggressive behavior also can be more subtle than the example above, especially when it occurs among peers. One example is the passive-aggressive person who sabotages others’ performance by withholding information about a work project. The passive-aggressive person may either do the work thoroughly based on the information s/he has and look like a star while others look incompetent, or go to a supervisor or other colleagues and say, "It looks like everything is on track except for Joe’s part." The supervisor sees only that Joe is not, indeed, doing all that can be done.

    To guard against letting this kind of situation develop, experts recommend having brief, frequent meetings of all team members and the supervisor to update a project’s status and to share information about it. (To ensure brevity, hold the meeting in a room with no chairs.) Record the information shared, date it and keep it in an area available to all as a reference.

    Sometimes, even our best efforts fail to work effectively with passive-aggressive behavior. When this happens, stay calm. Stick to the facts. Enforce consequences (calmly!), if appropriate. Set the stage for open communication in group situations. And always keep in mind to not let a passive-aggressive person’s issues become your issues.

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